why

when did I become so afraid

realizations

I'd rather people think I'm a bitch and be scared of me than come off as afraid as I am, but I think I don't want to be either anymore.

Speak Up interview with Stefan Sagmeister

RJH In the design profession, there is a sense of designers grasping for meaning, grasping for a sort of greater purpose, which you’ve talked about in your work in the post. Is there an obligation for a person and is there an obligation for a designer to participate in the world in this way?

SS Well, I’d say the obligation is there from the designer as a person. I don’t think that designers in general are more obligated to perform do-gooding than somebody who works at McDonald’s or the mayor of a city. It think it is as people that there is an obligation for us to live a full life. And I think from my point of view, living a full life includes doing no harm on one side and being aware of the world that you live in on various levels. On your immediate level, family and friends, on your society level, and on a humanity level. Humanity level being ecology and human rights and things like that.

I do think that if you want to live a full life, you somehow have to be aware of all of these levels. And for yourself of course, on an egotistical level. That is exactly the same for absolutely everybody.

something I've been struggling with this entire year so far, and he summed it all up in a minute

so scared of the great big future that I could craw into a corner and cry

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wet sleeves
like it's some time ( what time ? ) in that heavy darkness
you think you should be warm but you're so cold
spilled drinks, chapstick smear
buttons a little looser
heart is a little tighter
stumble in, precariously keep your balance
muffled silence
muffled loudness
ringing
what fun what fun
smile with both sides
smile for the camera
hold on to that drink tight
hold on to that space tighter
twin size bed
wet sleeves

and now that I'm back...home

I was in Asia for two months this summer and I just came back today. Back in Fremont for four more days, and then back to school. Our house is in the process of renovation and it looks entirely different from what I remembered from childhood, apart from one corner of wood paneling that I forced my father to keep. I'm tearing down all my posters and redoing my room, entirely, for the first time in six years or so. Everything from high school and my life in Fremont that I ever remembered, it's going away.

Why is it that I'm always so empty when I come home? Despite everything I've done to change myself for the better, each time I step back into Fremont, I'm absolutely overwhelmed with how much I've changed, how fast things are changing. I suppose this is a childish, I'm-growing-up sentiment -- wait fuck, I don't know what kind of sentiment this is. I was just sitting outside in the backyard in a lawn chair (who moved these here?) smoking a cigarette, and the sky wasn't the deep blue and stars that I remembered. It had a tint of orange from light pollution (was that there before?) and the temperature was chilly (when was it ever cold in July?) And I could see my room from where I was sitting, in the process of dismantling, and the outer shell of our walls was a skeleton of what it used to be. I can't even begin to describe how different everything is in my childhood home now, but I suppose that may be a symptom of me having not written in ages.

Isn't this what I wanted? I hated growing up here, I hated everything, so why do I feel so conflicted about this change? Time and time again, I tell myself of how much I live for changes, but

fuck

I'm tired.

OK ANOTHER UPDATE WAOAOAOAOAOOAW

documenting stuff for my portfolio is labor intensive and despicable but also somewhat rewarding so here's some shit:

oh and puppy says haro i sits on yer art documenting

School's been out for 3 weeks-ish, and I went home to NorCal for my cousin's grad at Berkeley (and took the ride up with Yinnie and parents...and they met and had lunch with my parents/BIG STEP IN OUR FRIENDSHIPZ), spent time with my parents, and am now back in LA to work on art. Life's been strange and I've been feeling strange. Crackhouse summer is such a new thing to me – I've known most of my best friends for less than a year and I'm living with them and this community thing is incredibly overwhelming and yet comfortable. I'm not sure if this is happiness or something and I'm just confused about new emotions. I'm going to Taiwan, possibly Japan, and maybe Shanghai for the World Expo next month. Oh and I'm also trying to create a cartoon with Sean and Natasha (holla) over this summer. Never have I been so sure my entire life that I want to make cartoons when I'm older...which is slightly of distress to me as I feel like I should be an animation major, then. (But I don't like animation itself – it's interesting but I'm largely interested in the creation of the concept of the cartoon itself.) But that's fine as I've relegated to the fact that I'm going to be in school for 6 years. Oh well.
I spent a lot of money this week (two new lenses, a website, and a grinder) on things that are of absolute necessity (no sarcasm) and now I'm broke again hello.

oh and here are things that have been going on in my life in picturez~